ANHEDONIA

by Jacob Earl

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1.
Anhedonia 03:10
Everything's working On the surface Even blooming If we're being honest I've laid your bones To rest And made amends There's not much left But I get no pleasure From all the pain I see the fruits of my labour But I'm empty all the same I ape the motions Of a happy man Though I feel I've been couched To think I understand Truth be told I have no proof I'm more emboldened By the untold truth Oh beneath the lake A million miles away I left my happiness It's still there to this day It's a trade off For the secret I want it back Cuz I can't keep it Truth be told I have no proof I'm more emboldened By the untold truth It's a blessing In disguise As unpleasant as it is A curse in my eyes
2.
Electric impulse Poker face You wanna fight Just to feel blamed Neurons fire Inside my skull But fizzle out I feel so small I'm in search Of some stimulation Every day Feels like a facsimile You dropped a penny in the well Again and again Every wish Was for the same thing What's the incentive If you give up your change? Do I get a reward For staying the same? What's the symptom? Am I really sick? Or is this normal? A GABA trick I'm inhibited I have so many regrets It's like, let's relive 'em in my head Over and over again What's the trick To feeling nice? Am I really sick Or just not good at good advice?
3.
Popularity 04:02
I want it all Love and affection It shouldn't be Too much to ask for The place where we met It crumbled after we left What defined your past life Is not your future scar I'm a clock, set to ten It's always morning or bed again The in-betweens, as trivial as it seems Haven't gained me popularity or friends I'm on cloud nine Basically none of the time There is no cure for loneliness And one day we just die The pure of heart Will conquer worlds It seems clichés Don't come with warnings Last time we met You were a fool Was it a foolish day You were gone in the morning I remember everything The earrings, the grass The day I saw you Through the looking glass I'm on cloud nine Basically none of the time There is no cure for loneliness And one day we just die The little things We swept away Popularity It never lasts
4.
Envy 03:16
Envy the dead For the pain is over Envy the sleeping They dream of the day Something familiar But out of place Coming into focus Going the wrong way Here's a septic thought A tangible grief A toxic desire A sickly green Tune out the background And everything is bleak Scrub your mind a dozen times But you can never get clean Envy the dead For the pain is over Envy the sleeping They dream of the day Something familiar But out of place Coming into focus Going the wrong way Envy the dead For the pain is over Envy the sleeping They dream of the day Something familiar But out of place Coming into focus Going the wrong way Here's a small gift It comes with a note It says everything you covet Is drowning in the moat You can't have your cake And eat it too You're not even awake You're just passing through Envy the dead For the pain is over Envy the sleeping They dream of the day Something familiar But out of place Coming into focus Going the wrong way Envy the dead For the pain is over Envy the sleeping They dream of the day Something familiar But out of place Coming into focus Going the wrong way
5.
Move it, just move it Get yr butt out of bed Don't be so lazy Just get out of bed Don't let it bring you down All of the weight It finally broke you It got in your head Move it, just move it Get the fuck out of bed No one is interested You can sleep when yr dead Don't want to wake up Don't want to dream Don't want to be stuck alone Stuck in-between Move it, just move it Get the fuck on yr feet Work everyday Then rinse and repeat Don't want to remember Don't want to forget All the depression Since the day that we met Move it, just move it Get the fuck out of bed Tuck in yr shirt, boy And keep yourself fed Don't want no luxury Don't want no help Just work all day And keep to myself Move it, just move it Get the fuck out of bed It finally broke me It got in my head Move it, just move it Just move it, just move it Just move it, just move it Just move it, just move it
6.
Blow By Blow 02:14
I was a boy once Bad haircut Blue sweatpants I didn't know what I grew a little bit On the outside I mostly stayed a kid Little White lies Little by little You whittled me down Blow by blow The crashing sound The man in the middle The middle ground Blow by blow I came around I was a boy once Bad attitude Always outta sorts I lack the fortitude I grew an inch or two On the outside I gave in a few With my mouth wide Little by little You whittled me down Blow by blow The crashing sound The man in the middle The middle ground Blow by blow I came around I was a youth once Bad impulse Blue feelings True or false I grew a thick skin I kept my guard up I was a quick sin And a hard fuck
7.
The Grift 03:07
All this time I was the snitch Every day making the switch Suspicions were on the nose All this time, friends were foes All this time I put on a face The sympathy and empathy just a waste I made it up; it was a clever lark I kept you all in the dark All these days I put on a smile I haven't felt it in a little while It's a force of habit now, the grift goes on I don't know how, but I ain't doing it wrong All these years I kept a secret Wish I had a way to keep it But spilling out at the seams The grift shatters all of the dreams Turn on the lights But no one was there Everything's empty Everything's bare Only notions will leave you dry Like cracked dirt where the dead lie No emotions in the cemetery None of this nonsense is necessary You can have the better half Or you can be the riff-raff The grift isn't meant to last You have to choose to let go of the past Turn on the lights But no one was there Everything's empty Everything's bare All these months felt like death I lie a little under my breath By the time you hear this, I'll be gone Sometimes even a truth is wrong
8.
I feel Like an impostor Genuine fake Real lost Someone get me A doctor Cut me apart Take out the costume I'm tired Of being a helper I love to do it But I can't make it through it I'm more Of a storyteller But it won't reach your hearts Except maybe posthumously I feel Like an impostor Genuine fake Real lost Someone get me A doctor Cut me apart Take out the costume
9.
Work Is It 03:51
Work will get you up again Work will fill you up and then Embrace the opportunity when Work will never really end There's no good or bad faith Work is give; work is take Every piece of work you make Every day you toil away Work is busy; work is it Work is busy; work is it You learn a lot of things, I guess Work is busy; work is it Work will get you up again Work will fill you up and then Embrace the opportunity when Work will never really end There's no good or bad faith Work is give; work is take Every piece of work you make Every day you toil away Work is busy; work is it Work is busy; work is it You learn a lot of things, I guess Work is busy; work is it Work will get you up again Work will fill you up and then Embrace the opportunity when Work will never really end There's no good or bad faith Work is give; work is take Every piece of work you make Every day you toil away
10.
Pleasure 03:10
It comes on No warning Just floating In the back A restless Little stowaway I hadn't Expected that I trained myself Not to care And I got what I asked for there I traded joy It was fair I got what I was asking for there I go so long without it It's like a fix I want to escape I want to quit Or do I really? It's a mix Because I can't Let the pleasure win I trained myself Not to care And I got what I asked for there I traded joy It was fair I got what I was asking for there Consequences Counterpoints You led with Your nose out of joint I tried to be Platonic You could say I wrote the rules on it

about

Created as part of the RPM Challenge, created start to finish in 21 days in February 2021.

This album is about trying to find pleasure again.

credits

released March 1, 2021

Produced, written, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

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Jacob Earl Mississippi Mills, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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