Anthem for the Queerly Disheartened

by Jacob Earl

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40-minute song recorded for the 2017 RPM Challenge.

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released February 17, 2017

Produced, written, arranged, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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Track Name: Anthem for the Queerly Disheartened
Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

Have you seen my sweet collection
Cut out mags and paper dolls?
I ain't no fruit, I like affection
Dislike sports; hate cat calls
I am short at eight years old now,
I like dress up more than catch
It's my birthday, ask for dolls but
Only girls get cabbage patch

I just wanna fade away hey
Shrink into the back of the class
But would it be so bad to taste it
Popularity at last?
I begged my mom for clothes that look nice
Not yr baggy hand-me-downs
If they fit right, I would fit, right?
Maybe I wouldn't be pushed around

I hid for years, you chugged your beers,
Fuck you care, I pierced my ears
I layered plaid, I shaved my head
Where's yr pride, you bragged about?
My nails black, the cracked veneer,
Maybe goth, I swear not queer
I painted art, a great catharsis;
The canvas was me coming out

Have you seen my text tattoos?
They lay it bare, there are the clues
These are not my limitations
I'm at peace with what I choose
Fuck you care if I get cancer?
Fuck you care if I die?
You don't want the real answer
Who I love and whom I lie

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

Would you like to come upstairs?
Close the door, take yr clothes off
We can lay it all out bare
Just some lust now, off the cuff
I heard your friends, they don't like me
Well I'm not here for the party
I don't need their shame or pity
I do that for myself enough

Are you my knight in shining armour?
Ease me into your disease
Sometimes I feel right all over
Kept apart from the dying breed
Let's play a game of kiss and tell
Push me down to my knees
I have loved a little piece of hell
And you cannot replace my needs

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

Would you charm a beast pariah
Plus for pleasure, dressed in leather
This ain't gossip, I'm no liar
Blessings on you, Rockefeller
Quintessential quiet fever
Glass half empty, queen of cups
Waiting in the queerest queue
For passion fruits to eat us up

Back in '98 we were all so fit
In my hatchback, picture this:
Take the wheel, take a hit
Highway high way fucking bliss
Put yr hand on the nape o' my neck
It's the measure of a man
I don't ask you why you left me
Eighteen years of sleight of hand

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

After college after parties
I learned how to ape the masses
What the heart wants; what the heart sees
When the drunk moonlight passes
Thought for a second I got through
Warned you that I'd be bad news
Didn't dare believe the truth
But my whole twenties were a ruse

Counting on the summer trust
Not just any modern drought
Nineteen years ago in August
Since I been coming out
You get so good at the easy lie
No one swallows the sober facts
Eventually you just stop trying
And then gradually you slip in back

Bleached hair and blister fingers
Drove out east to see the ocean
The ghost of yr love lingers
Pale blue light like my emotion
I can't turn it off and on
It just gets dimmer every year
I'll wake up soon, it'll be gone
Replaced by an older fear

Primitive feelings wash away
A cold collected super ego
I never thought I was gay
But I been wrong before, you know
What if what ifs didn't matter?
Or we just acted on our thoughts?
Forced to choose, I'd take the latter
I've dwelled on the past a lot

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

Once I learned to keep my mouth shut
Convinced myself I had more fun
Sharper image proves what?
Pierce my nipple, pierce my tongue
Scars carved out in my skin
A sacred missionary fortress
Can't get out once you're in
You left a dark impression, mistress

Fifteen years ago it started
I thought true love found my heart
Anthem for the Queerly Disheartened
All too plainly played my part
It's the soundtrack of my 30s
My life story in a minor key
Every time my skin got dirty
Fear of failure made me flee

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

Accidents don't just happen
Your image still haunts my dreams
You believed in natural selection
Until we came apart at the seams
Why did I hide who I was?
I knew you'd fall out of love
I believed the lies because
Babe you were my mourning dove

Ten years on, learned my lesson
Decade later embraced the change
My love never needs to question
Why I didn't fade away
Trust me love, it gets bitter
Politics will hurt your soul
Mate hold on, we ain't quitters
You somehow make me feel whole

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

I used to wear common symbols
Pledge allegiance to a flag
Throw all we know out the window
Dressed in my best glad rags
Solitude is my religion
Queer is my core belief
Who your love for, I ain't judging
By the end we all deceive

Valentines come and gone
Another year just more queer
Who am I to say you're wrong
If you disappeared this year?
I will bite the bulletin
Message heard loud and clear
No blanks, you fill it in
I will miss your laugh, dear

Junior mints and all dressed chips
Art supplies and comic books
Per your promise, kiss my lips
I'm used to all the dirty looks
Behind me now the truth untold
Permits a certain calm detachment
I need that calm as I get cold
I've got so many old regrets

I'll be home for the celebration
Embrace refrain, rain or shine
You have shown me new sensations
You framed the game, I crossed the line
All your advice tucked away
In the service of a memory
I didn't want to say
I'm not sorry

Vices keep me up at night
Vices keep me up at night
Bite your nails, pull your hair out
Tell yourself it'll be alright

I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry

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