Anthem for the Queerly Disheartened

by Jacob Earl

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1.
Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright Have you seen my sweet collection Cut out mags and paper dolls? I ain't no fruit, I like affection Dislike sports; hate cat calls I am short at eight years old now, I like dress up more than catch It's my birthday, ask for dolls but Only girls get cabbage patch I just wanna fade away hey Shrink into the back of the class But would it be so bad to taste it Popularity at last? I begged my mom for clothes that look nice Not yr baggy hand-me-downs If they fit right, I would fit, right? Maybe I wouldn't be pushed around I hid for years, you chugged your beers, Fuck you care, I pierced my ears I layered plaid, I shaved my head Where's yr pride, you bragged about? My nails black, the cracked veneer, Maybe goth, I swear not queer I painted art, a great catharsis; The canvas was me coming out Have you seen my text tattoos? They lay it bare, there are the clues These are not my limitations I'm at peace with what I choose Fuck you care if I get cancer? Fuck you care if I die? You don't want the real answer Who I love and whom I lie Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright Would you like to come upstairs? Close the door, take yr clothes off We can lay it all out bare Just some lust now, off the cuff I heard your friends, they don't like me Well I'm not here for the party I don't need their shame or pity I do that for myself enough Are you my knight in shining armour? Ease me into your disease Sometimes I feel right all over Kept apart from the dying breed Let's play a game of kiss and tell Push me down to my knees I have loved a little piece of hell And you cannot replace my needs Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright Would you charm a beast pariah Plus for pleasure, dressed in leather This ain't gossip, I'm no liar Blessings on you, Rockefeller Quintessential quiet fever Glass half empty, queen of cups Waiting in the queerest queue For passion fruits to eat us up Back in '98 we were all so fit In my hatchback, picture this: Take the wheel, take a hit Highway high way fucking bliss Put yr hand on the nape o' my neck It's the measure of a man I don't ask you why you left me Eighteen years of sleight of hand Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright After college after parties I learned how to ape the masses What the heart wants; what the heart sees When the drunk moonlight passes Thought for a second I got through Warned you that I'd be bad news Didn't dare believe the truth But my whole twenties were a ruse Counting on the summer trust Not just any modern drought Nineteen years ago in August Since I been coming out You get so good at the easy lie No one swallows the sober facts Eventually you just stop trying And then gradually you slip in back Bleached hair and blister fingers Drove out east to see the ocean The ghost of yr love lingers Pale blue light like my emotion I can't turn it off and on It just gets dimmer every year I'll wake up soon, it'll be gone Replaced by an older fear Primitive feelings wash away A cold collected super ego I never thought I was gay But I been wrong before, you know What if what ifs didn't matter? Or we just acted on our thoughts? Forced to choose, I'd take the latter I've dwelled on the past a lot Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright Once I learned to keep my mouth shut Convinced myself I had more fun Sharper image proves what? Pierce my nipple, pierce my tongue Scars carved out in my skin A sacred missionary fortress Can't get out once you're in You left a dark impression, mistress Fifteen years ago it started I thought true love found my heart Anthem for the Queerly Disheartened All too plainly played my part It's the soundtrack of my 30s My life story in a minor key Every time my skin got dirty Fear of failure made me flee Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright Accidents don't just happen Your image still haunts my dreams You believed in natural selection Until we came apart at the seams Why did I hide who I was? I knew you'd fall out of love I believed the lies because Babe you were my mourning dove Ten years on, learned my lesson Decade later embraced the change My love never needs to question Why I didn't fade away Trust me love, it gets bitter Politics will hurt your soul Mate hold on, we ain't quitters You somehow make me feel whole Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright I used to wear common symbols Pledge allegiance to a flag Throw all we know out the window Dressed in my best glad rags Solitude is my religion Queer is my core belief Who your love for, I ain't judging By the end we all deceive Valentines come and gone Another year just more queer Who am I to say you're wrong If you disappeared this year? I will bite the bulletin Message heard loud and clear No blanks, you fill it in I will miss your laugh, dear Junior mints and all dressed chips Art supplies and comic books Per your promise, kiss my lips I'm used to all the dirty looks Behind me now the truth untold Permits a certain calm detachment I need that calm as I get cold I've got so many old regrets I'll be home for the celebration Embrace refrain, rain or shine You have shown me new sensations You framed the game, I crossed the line All your advice tucked away In the service of a memory I didn't want to say I'm not sorry Vices keep me up at night Vices keep me up at night Bite your nails, pull your hair out Tell yourself it'll be alright I'm not sorry I'm not sorry

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40-minute song recorded for the 2017 RPM Challenge.

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released February 17, 2017

Produced, written, arranged, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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