Cold Hearts, Old Hearts

by Jacob Earl

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1.
Blink 03:18
Blink the sleep out of your eyes you always wake up before sunrise there's another day closer to death there's another day gone by wash the grit from your face you can't get rid of the taste the cottonmouth and bile in your throat the familiar feeling of waste go to work, sit at your desk you never get quite enough rest this is the most you can hope for inhabiting your body like a guest Blink the sleep out of your eyes you always wake up before sunrise there's another day closer to death there's another day gone by wash the grit from your face you can't get rid of the taste the cottonmouth and bile in your throat the familiar feeling you're doing this all again go to work, pretend you're not there it's never that hard to disappear this is just like being a ghost but you never quite escape the fear Blink the sleep out of your eyes you always wake up before sunrise there's another day closer to death there's another day gone by
2.
the Windsor corridor speeding countryside train tracks splitting the trees in a blur of colour and light my passenger pal passed out against the window pane your breath fogs the fields i feel your heartbeat so faint it's the end of an era half a decade in the dark and i'm not feeling the February cold except in my old, old heart when we reach our destination i know we're not parting ways i'm imagining all the train wrecks all the possible delays cold hearts we couldn't stop ourselves from drifting apart old hearts youth was leaving us leaving us is the dark i see the silos and your eyes on the window the crisp snow, the train slows i won't let you go please speed up and takes us to the end of the line we've come this far together our old hearts beat in time cold hearts we couldn't stop ourselves from drifting apart old hearts youth was leaving us
3.
George George Michael maybe i love you maybe i want you maybe i lust you George George Michael maybe i love you maybe i want you to have faith in what you do maybe i want your freedom maybe i want your sex George George Michael you leave me so perplexed maybe i want your freedom maybe i want your sex George George Michael you leave me so perplexed
4.
rewind the tape flip to the b side it's time to escape let me take you on one last ride i'm drunk in reverse i've always been sober it's a blessing and it's a curse i've played this so many times over and over my mind is made up this is the first and also the last hit just tell me to shut up call in the doctor it's time to finish it let's head down the 401 out of this city it's been so long since we've been to Hamilton the longer, the pity let's move to the GTA we'll be closer to everyone i want every day to be the most possible be the most irreversible
5.
On the sleeve of my shirt Rests my heart It's black as tar Beats cold and dark The real pain Is in-between And inside out When it can't be seen Brush it off Like the dirt on my shoulder Every year It gets bitter and older And here I lay me Down to sleep My heart-sleeves soaked From weeks of weeping i don't wanna keep getting colder please let me lay on your shoulder I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff...
6.
Off the Cuff 05:40
I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff life's been a dream since I met you if it's not what it seems i don't wanna wake up every night i hold you close to my chest the thump of your heart is the absolute best i can never bear not sharing my bed with the sound of your breath next to my head I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff I'm twice the person I used to be every time you are close to me when the bough breaks behind our back you're my support you pick up the slack I don't wanna think What I'd have to do If you didn't have Everything i lack I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff I've made mistakes and I've made amends I wanna be happy Before this ends every day I spend without you here I feel your heartbeat In my ear It keeps me warm when I feel cold It makes me younger as I get old I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff I'm half the man I used to fear The half left over Is every bit queer I like me Better now I've made mistakes And you forgive me somehow I don't wanna think Who I'd have to be If you didn't have A heart for me I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff life's been a dream since I met you if it's not what it seems i don't wanna wake up every night i hold you close to my chest the thump of your heart is the absolute best i can never bear not sharing my bed with the sound of your breath next to my head I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff I'm twice the person I used to be every time you are close to me when the bough breaks behind our back you're my support you pick up the slack I don't wanna think What I'd have to do If you didn't have Everything i lack I don't wanna live Without your love Please don't brush me Off the cuff I've made mistakes and I've made amends I wanna be happy Before this ends every day I spend without you here I feel your heartbeat In my ear It keeps me warm when I feel cold It makes me younger as I get old
7.
Ladyfingers 03:49
I want to feel your fingers caressing my spine so that you know I'm yours and I know that you're mine I want to feel your hands all over my back love me so hard that I'm taken aback I want to be in your grip every night and day I want to make love just for play but I also want to hold you so dear and fine so that you know I'm yours and I know that you're mine
8.
Rabbits 03:43
i fell down this rabbit hole again sitting in my room i'm so far from home i chased you all the way to this wonderland now i've lost my way back and i'm still on my own a faceless grin told me it ain't safe 'round here the atomic clock stopped rusted up the gears i chased you all the way through my dream you never existed just like i feared i chased you all the way through my dream you always kept one step ahead of me i fell down this rabbit hole again lying on my bed delirious and full of dread i imagined that we wed in a chapel in a valley of peonies and clover we adopted 100 million rabbits bought a cottage with a white picket fence i chased you through this vivid dream (i chased you, i chased you) you're the only thing that makes any sense
9.
Slip Up 03:02
oh baby i slipped up maybe i took you for granted a bit oh and i tripped up let my mouth run off without thinking about it your anger your anger was my cold, cold pain and i tolerated it, i sucked it up cause i was deserving of it over and over again oh it was just a joke but jokes hurt more than cold, hard facts and so i hurt you it doesn't matter what i thought, there was a cold, hard lack a lack of respect... mea culpa, mea culpa because this was all my fault i'm the culprit with the cold heart and i started this bitter assault the crazy thing is i deserved every word you spewed it's not even crazy i deserved to get royally chewed out i slipped up, i slipped up can you ever forgive me, my dear? i tripped up, i tripped up please forgive me, my dear.
10.
The Beach 01:26

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Written and recorded in February 2013 as part of the RPM Challenge. A semi-autobiographical shoegaze album about love, travelling, and growing old.

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released February 26, 2013

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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