Horizontals

by Jacob Earl

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

1.
03:23
i’m trying to reconcile our disconnects i love you so much i get side effects no gain comes without a sacrifice no pain matters when i look in your eyes the shadows stirring in the depths of your stare the nape of your neck, a lock of your hair i’m not really myself when you’re not around i’m a record player, playing no sound i am a digital divide i just came along for the ride scrambled bits, forgotten crime left to rust, rotten in the ditch of time the fact that i can say this to your face doesn’t remove the bitter taste of slowly flickering away the last lingering light of a slow-dying day there’s not so much more self-control when i slid on down the rabbit hole the tides came in as i lay on the shore and i slipped out to see on the underscore the notes hung together like sun and moon the refrain tripped up a beat too soon if i hadn’t guessed, i wouldn’t have known that your heart had long since turned to stone don’t want you to misunderstand why it is i forced your hand it hurts me more than you could know that i’ve got nothing left to show i’m just an empty husk of a man a jumbled word, an anagram if there’s a way that we can weather then help me put us back together oh my stars i am in love with you, it hurts, it hurts so much the feeling cuts me like a knife a cliché bryan adams line you think i wanted it this way but what i feel i cannot say i fear i’ll always be the same afraid to jump into the game maybe that’s why i never change even to me it’s a little strange i’m metaphorically paralyzed it’s my emotional disguise so please forgive me all my vice don’t make me beg you once or twice i’m trying to do what i can to be more than an anagram
2.
i walked into the desert to find myself i left you all behind for the good of my health i went in search of a deeper meaning i returned empty-handed and void of feelings loneliness does something irrevocable it burns you down in the fire and crucible apparently i’m not the island i thought i was but i forgot most of what you taught me ‘cause i feel no guilt when there are no consequences you can’t keep me chained up to these iron fences but i’m a prisoner nonetheless, of my own devices and i foresee no way to avert this crisis our angry words, they came to blows if things had been different, well, who knows? maybe we wouldn’t be stuck in this rut i’d have ended it long ago if i had the guts but i haven’t got the guts... life is nothing but bad consequences you make the move, you take your chances life is nothing but physical senses you will be judged for all your actions i walked into the desert to try to heal my pain i had everything to lose and nothing to gain i was on the ultimate quest for self-annihilation and i almost succeeded on my permanent vacation what are the consequences of ignoring the call? loneliness will be the death of us all one day the machines will all break down and there’ll be nothing but memories of this shit town what will you do then? life is nothing but bad consequences you make the move, you take your chances life is nothing but physical senses you will be judged for all your actions
3.
04:16
oh how i choke oh how i choke i choke on my words i get choked up, my heart it pounds a sorry state about the art of sounds but puffed on pride in your own hometown you lost everything that you found it’s not that the opposite wasn’t true it’s not that i didn’t believe in you it's what you made of yourself, but worse it’s what you made of me and my trust, first the place where we used to meet the lakebed’s all dried up at my feet and a god’s not gonna bring back the day before you got up and walked away now take it away nah, nah, you’re not even making sense, you’re just spinning your wheels the sounds aren’t even offensive; they ain’t even real you just keep spewing garbage, hate and lies the saddest part is how little i’m surprised as you paint yourself the victim here no one’s believing your crocodile tears go on, keep trying get enthused keep spewing your lies, it’s keeping me amused... it’s a shame when I was hurtin’ the most that you were too busy flirtin’ with ghosts you were haunting the past, and fading fast and dreaming of heading out to the coast and it’s a joke that the pieces don’t even fit i eat the fruits of my labour, but choke on the pit remember all the way back to the start? when we used to share a heart... now i’m left with a lump in my throat it’s hard to breathe when i read what you wrote i held you back, you said in your note "you held me back"; yes you can quote me, that’s a fucking quote. oh how i choke oh how i choke i choke on my words it’s a contest 'tween you and i c’mon look me in the eye if this moment were to pass you by you’d regret it before you die i’m not the one who’s holding you back but maybe that’s why you’re on the attack don’t think i’ll take the blame but i loved you all the same goodbye... i choke on my words goodbye
4.
04:30
i wiped it all clean and started again whole new outlook, whole new trend choking back the bitter aches of love’s labour lost and past mistakes i spent the morning in solitude and you’d be here if you only knew i can’t stand these empty halls and it’s not that; it’s these dirty walls you say i always complain you don’t want to feel my pain but I gave it away a while back i didn’t need it anyway the loneliness is a front just a heartbroken stunt and i’m not gonna let you go this time... i spent the better part of my years picking up my falling tears cleaning these dirty walls leaving nothing behind i wanted to give you everything somehow, i lost hold of the dream we’re just paupers in this land of kings and queens the loneliness is a crutch because i love you so much and i’m not gonna let you go this time... i ran the gamut and i thought i thought i had it, and I fought The final goal, the never-ending kind
5.
my legs break down at the side o’ the road i got a hundred and fifty more clicks to go running to reach you before nightfall the thing is, i might not make it at all everytime i tried to catch you before you drifted away more and more i’m a lightning rod in the storm and you were gone that Sunday morn i walked outside and started to run just to feel your breath leaving my lungs and i thought i saw you, and followed you here now I’m not sure you were ever near even the times i held you close and you look so smart in your smart new clothes you were begging another part you were letting go of my heart my legs collapse at the end of the path i can’t even breathe enough to laugh running to reach you once again i’ve got a feeling i already know how this ends you were begging another part you were letting go of my heart
6.
06:18
the snow woulda been up to our kneecaps when we were seven our eight back then we woulda loved everything even the things we hate i'm ashamed, ashamed to know me don't like the person i was it took me meeting you to show me that i can feel trust arm yourself with fairytales arm yourself with myth bundle up in your warmest clothes don your hats and mitts flashback to speeding snow lanes nestled in the hills treacherous and wonderous show your sledding skills Creature comforts keep you trendy wrap yourself in cool creature comforts made us vain life can be so cruel arm yourself with fairytales arm yourself with myth armistice will always fail peace is just a trick flashback to an awesome childhood flashback to a better time nostalgia can see right through me back to the river line arm yourself with fairytales arm yourself with myth flashback to a bitter battle don your hats and mitts
7.
there are no gods in the city there are no gods in the farms it wasn’t destiny or synchronicity when you wound up in my arms there are no gods in the city when the lights go out i can still feel you sitting next to me when you’re slipping out a lot of time i spent in self pity three decades in this quiet town with the asphalt black and dirty and the river where god was drowned ten years ago under these streets the steel girders wouldn’t support the weight of our lust there are no gods in the rivers at our feet and the city will eventually turn to dust people will say it wasn’t always this way there was a time when the towers weren’t so tall people will complain that everything’s changing people will complain about nothing at all there are no gods in the city there are no gods in the farms it wasn’t destiny or synchronicity when you wound up in my arms there are no gods in the city when the lights finally fade i can still feel you sitting next to me when you’re slipping when you’re slipping away
8.
04:26
you become horizontal when you lie on the floor or anytime you're not standing no more and if that means sleep or the little death then you probably won't be worrying about what's the score i loved you a million letters, A to Z and love you a whole new language, now that you're dead i loved you in fields and on the way to the sea each fleeting momentarily, out of my head lie with me here between the blades of grass and the dirt, and water cascades like... among the failing fall of man hold me now, i'm so afraid to pass you become horizontal when you cease to be and they spread your ashes across the sea and you biodegrade and get eaten by fish and you can't feel a thing and you no longer dream believe me a million times and more i'll love you when you're not standing no more and if that means sleep or the little death then you probably won't be worrying about what's the score. You become horizontal when you lie in your bed the bed that you made to lay your head and that means sleep or maybe death but at least you won't be worrying once you're dead the distance between you and i can be measured from this point to the sky it's not really consistently the same each time 'cause it's all relative to the beholder's eye lie with me now under the canopy or take my hand and come dance with me we're falling from the grace of gods and it's not something we even believe you become horizontal when you leave the earth when you break the gravity of your birth and you bring out your dead you read their last rites but you can't quench their last thirst believe me a million times and more i'll love you when you're not standing no more and if that means sleep or the little death then you probably won't be worrying about what's the score
9.
when we were still still on the move young kids in love with nothing to lose in the woods you said you would behind his back behind your father's farm sitting still it still stings below the canopy waiting in the wings that's when you spilled your guts to me no use crying over precious things let's go out west off the edge of the earth where the cowboys roam always searching let's go somewhere underground below the [ ] where we will never be found let's get lost off the beaten path and enjoy our youth; listen to your laugh i need to grieve to know the truth i want to leave something behind for you when we were still still on the move young kids in love with nothing to lose in the woods you said you would behind his back behind your father's farm sitting still it still stings below the canopy waiting in the wings that's when you spilled your guts to me no use crying over precious things i need to grieve to know the truth i want to leave something behind for you
10.
down the alleyway there's a secret door that leads to another world where none of us are poor a precipice a giant dragoon within the blackest night, Lovecraftian sails unfurled i hold my hand close to my chest and think of my childhood yeah, it was worst and it was the best but i would leave this place i would board that boat if only you would if you would hold me afloat but i am lost without you out at sea with a blurry photograph of your back and a hand-cranked am radio playing Lionel Ritchie down the alleyway there's a way out of here sometimes the lineup is long sometimes it's clear but i can bribe the bouncer baby i've got the cure for your cancer i want to keep you strong i want to keep you near oh please hold my hand and tell me yes, you'll sail the seven seas with me and come to my mountain nest i would leave this place i would board that boat if only you would accompany me oh baby you're the best but i am lost without you out at sea with a blurry photograph of your back and a hand-cranked am radio playing Lionel Ritchie i am lost without you an out-of-focus lens, taking blurry photographs so we can pretend... yeah, let's go back to the desert island let's go back... but i am lost without you out at sea with a blurry photograph of your back and a hand-cranked am radio playing Lionel Ritchie
11.
oh, no one flew over we all stayed on the ground looking for cover and keeping our heads down the apoplectic vision is somewhere in the dirt and pushing and fighting is this how we flirt? Aw, Ken Kesey is dead and so is MKULTRA but we all love conspiracies we dread it's so tawdry it's so paltry so sultry it's so country it's so haute couture we all rode the magic bus in our dreams i had dreams about your lust they were obscene oh, no one flew over 'cause we all lay on the ground totally high from the chest on down the beat generation we beat them dead the peaceful nation it was all in their head some converted and some of them fled the rest resigned to hiding from the love they dread oh, no one flew over we all stayed on the stone protectively killing over land to call our own the prodigal visit from the you you knew before hasn't existed since you shot him to the floor Ken Kesey is dead and we taught him a lesson no one better dare hope to escape the prison's depression repression, the risen have driven the dirge we're all taking it back up stream back to the first urge you better move aside if you don't want a ride it's not that we hate you but we'll leave you behind no one's gonna stand in the way of this journey but give us a hand we're not in a hurry i haven't felt this good since twenty I’ve got privilege and I’ve got plenty Ken Kesey is dead but the urge remains to relax instead and let go of the reigns
12.
this just in: twenty more dead from the suicide bomb inside of your head the sensational story the moment you dread when the truth is not muzzled for the masses, spoon-fed and Hollywood turns the late-breaking news into academy-winners with four-star reviews and we can just turn off the pain if we choose and nobody calls us the killers she tries to sleep with shrapnel in her bed and the barrel of a rifle pointed at her kid you and I are prisoners of a much lesser pain we just watch it on TV a world away and Hollywood turns the late-breaking news into academy-winners with four-star reviews and we can just turn off the pain if we choose and nobody calls us the killers
13.
out in the fields with no shoes on flailing through the dark, we're perfectly gone lights out, lights on, lights in the sky watching you trade your vows made me cry like crazy we danced all night long in front of the barn to disco songs the mosquitoes chewed my legs apart the scars still pock me like abstract art i wished i was the groom i'd get my wish oh so soon bites bites bites, i've got mosquito bites sites sites sites, i've got you in my sites out in the fields in a bright red kilt dancing, spinning, going at full tilt tricky moves, tricky grooves, i can almost fly but i know when you leave it'll make me cry like crazy we laughed 'til the break of dawn wet in the grass on the farmhouse lawn the mosquito bites driving me mad but preoccupying me so i wasn't sad i wished i was the bride when i saw the love in her eyes bites bites bites, i've got mosquito bites sites sites sites, i've got you in my sites
14.
04:09
meet me on the mezzanine with some peppermint gum and old magazines i’ll bring the guns, you bring the green and the money in unmarked bills it’s now high noon, and I’m standing alone i called you but nobody picked up the phone so i assumed you were not coming home or perhaps you were already killed i’m sorry i wasn’t a better son i didn’t care about anyone i wanted to be revered for what i done i wanted to be free by the time you read this, i will be gone i thought i could win, boy was i wrong i thought i could atone for the mistakes that i made but i couldn’t turn away no i couldn’t turn away i contemplated the mistakes I had made from day one up to the present day but they all seem to blur, they all seem to fade into the shadows of the sun’s serenade so i’ll quietly pretend this ain’t a vendetta as i load up my U22 Beretta but the truth to the letter is i’ve been taught no better i am the son that you made i’m sorry i wasn’t a better son i didn’t care about anyone i wanted to be revered for what i done i wanted to be free by the time you read this, i will be gone i thought i could win, boy was i wrong i thought i could atone for the mistakes that i made but i couldn’t turn away no i couldn’t turn away

about

Originally released as a serial album/blog/video story over 3 years between summer 2010 and summer 2013:

our hero is a boy who has run away. he has spent all his short life running, trying to escape, though he knows not from what. he believes himself an orphan, too different from anyone else to be family, to be human. his thought pattern is linear and single-minded. he is relcacitrant, diffident, and selfish. he lashes out at everything, blaming everyone but himself for his woes.

this is his humbling. we will begin soon...

credits

released August 13, 2013

produced, written, and recorded by Jacob Earl.

license

tags

about

Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

contact / help

Contact Jacob Earl

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Report this album or account