If The Dust Was Your Feelings, I Guess I Was On My Own

by Jacob Earl

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1.
Get down off your high horse Get down off your high horse Ain’t a folding a door that closes tight enough To keep dem bones up off the floor Boards just aren’t made with nails long enough To put me up or beat back the source And there’s a voice that is barely a whisper of sorts And of course, it is mine and was never yours With distortion absorbed in the form of a force That was sure to inform me I had been warned So I held breaths that weighed like a bag of rocks In a habitat made to invert the nurture But my footsteps had left a trail of ink blots That my shadows had failed to interpret further And the curves, I have learned, are seldom rainbows And are far more likely to be made from sabers So the teeth that I traded for morals to match masses? A flash in the pan of my war with neighbors Cause there’s more going on than the quote, unquote Real men have authority to open throats through A boulder to roll onto the shoulders of others Irrelevant to the context of what folks go through But I know you more than you know your own ways I’ve thrown on those shoes of yours decades And it goes through so unopposed on my best days The rest, I’m dressed in an oppressive embrace The taste in my mouth is metallic and routine So I’m inclined to believe the default is busted And I guess excuse me, if my views are extreme But when the caged bee stings, I’d call it justice A lot’s been changing since I cracked the shell, though And I’m feeling warmed by the sunlight more Besides ain’t a damn a door that closes tight enough To keep dem bones up off the floor Get down off your high horse Get down off your high horse Warhol Campbell childhood Chiseled pistol, shoot; you should Monster movie, really scared Played a game of truth or dare Boat shoes, tallboy, snapback Best defense is a good attack Out with the boys feeling bare Bullies won't get outta your hair Naked feelings of my guilt Parallel to the home you built I can't live up to that dream The expectation I stay clean Don't forget my betrayal Deception was beyond the pale Covered up with pretty myth The lie you fell in love with Better not to think about it A lot of good that would do Dust in the wind, dusk inside Your deepest feelings felt so true I wrote a little song about Whether we had our whole life knit How our fingers twine together How are love got so lit The better it gets, the slower I show Every piece of moral fibre Examining every piece, I go Guess we couldn't get much higher No one comes to the same conclusion I made a side bet The moral is a clever illusion The rules left you soaking wet
2.
02:03
Feel it in your bones Feel it in your chest Your heart must be bursting You must be blessed Rickety fingers Holding on for dear life So many treasures I cannot guess Boom boom goes the cannon Boom boom go the bombs Boom boom goes the kick In your favourite songs I am a bullhorn Squeaking distortion I am a loudspeaker Blown away subs It hides my interior The creature within Treat me with caution Treat me with love Boom boom goes the cannon Boom boom go the bombs Boom boom goes the kick In your favourite songs
3.
03:21
Go Give it to me I've played this one before It never turns out well In all the times of jest Found meaning in the meaningless Tell me why Didn't you show? I felt So alone A cauterized wound or two A thin-lipped smile Is this how we survive? Just hides a deeper wound Tell me why Didn't you show? I felt So alone
4.
05:16
A forty-year dirge, baby A forty-year dirge It’s a forty-year dirge A forty-year dirge It’s a forty-year dirge Ooh ooh, basic hygiene It's taught and reinforced It's taught and reinforced Ooh ooh, basic hygiene My compliments to the chef We may need a referee Cause I've been poisoned, I've been poisoned Poisoned by a sharper philosophy A slow death, a forty-year dirge The saddest lament you ever heard My compliments to the captain Who sailed off the earth Ooh ooh, basic hygiene Ooh ooh, basic hygiene Ooh ooh, basic hygiene It's taught, it's reinforced I grew up, I grew up dirty And too smart for my own good I play in the garden; I play in club The pulse of the blood, the grain of the wood Ooh ooh, basic hygiene Ooh ooh, basic hygiene It's taught, it's reinforced
5.
If the dust was your feelings, If the dust was your feelings, I guess I was on my own I guess I was on my own I was good, I was good At weaving a story The pieces fit into place I did it all alone When the words stopped When the words stopped working Dropping off the island I made my own home I was good, I was good I thought I was good at something I made a garden in the night sky When the weed stopped growing Withered hand enantiomers Crumbled stone If the dust was your feelings, I guess I was on my own   I was a poor, I was a poor excuse For good intentions, rage, and abuse Distractions disintegrated I was a good friend I was a good friend to lose I was good, I was good At being a true lover If only that were true I was good at making excuses For all the shit I put you through Yes I was good at feeling high At feeling left behind I worked it into my mythos Perpetual loss; I wrote it a million times Yes I was poor, I was a poor excuse For good intentions, rage and abuse Distractions disintegrated I was a good friend I was a good friend to lose I was good, I was good At weaving a story The pieces fit into place I did it all alone When the words stopped When the words stopped working Dropping off the island I made my own home I was good, I was good I thought I was good at something I made a garden in the night sky When the weed stopped growing Withered hand enantiomers Crumbled stone If the dust was your feelings, I guess I was on my own Withered hand enantiomers Crumbled stone If the dust was your feelings, I guess I was on my own
6.
Alright… Model number: SLB10P, we want you to choose between option A and option B. If you select too slowly…remove reward unit. Make the wrong choice…well I trust you won’t do it. I set out, reroute down limited pathways. Feeling put out and crushed. Unlimited ashtrays on hightops in dive spots before they outlawed smoking. Stale air and old beer feeling soft spots in cantaloupe and… Forgot to grab tomatoes I guess I got cans I’ll open. Out in the intersection dodging mopeds. When I reached the next corner, my crew changed our meeting. Moved from the same old spot now these thoughts are fleeting. I had one job but my memory failed me. Stopped making excuses for my humanity and frailty. They’re waiting on me… But this feels important so I rehearse and refine, train my comportment. Adjust my clothing, take a long hard look in the mirror chilling in the crown jewel similar to Canberra. I get overwhelmed with this ill assortment… how about you tell me what it is if it’s that important. Well you might think this choice is nice. Well I don’t. No I don’t. And you might think variety’s the spice of life. Well I don’t. No I don’t. It’s like a claw machine that neo-circus music at the thruway rest stop minus amusement that toy story scene let my man Buzz do it in here with the Martians decisions become congruent.   Out here with the multitudes. Aggressive type As. Don’t put too much on my back… I might break. I might bake. Let my afternoon waste… I’m conserving energy selecting alternatives might take. I’m thee highest. Please highness, these riddles are bullshit. Allow me to be honest. Infinity is the number of possible outcomes. But here in my brain… improbable amalgam of hideous creations from Doctor Moreau’s Island. This would be just fine if it wasn’t all the time and… I put too much into all the rhyming… that I neglect important things that I should be doing. I should be shining. Instead I’m pursing a fairly mundane existence with debt accruing. Sometimes it feels out of my control… and then I feel ruined until I’m consoled. I step back. Let the rapids carry. To the terminus and galaxy’s boundary. These fluids will… will have me ruined still… and give into its wishes along the Potenskill. Well you might think this choice is nice. Well I don’t. No I don’t. And you might think variety’s the spice of life. Well I don’t. No I don’t. High price; top dollar. Moonlight sonata for a midnight caller. Back to basics; call of the wild There I was: A grownup child. Ranting, wanting anything but To contribute to the harm of my love. Paid such a lofty price; Other souls have lost their life. Rage and karma boiling over; Condensation covers the walls. Fuck the p, I shuffled in here Scuffed pride, scrambled eggshells. I tiptoed over 'em every time you were near. I never pretended to be a saint Or put your needs ahead o' my own. Altruism is a better man's feint. Well you might think this choice is nice. Well I don’t. No I don’t. And you might think variety’s the spice of life. Well I don’t. No I don’t.
7.
Arson Arson It was no happy accident Arson Arson Jesus Christ accelerant Apostate Town crier Inspired By everything we lost in the fire Turn back And turn to salt Burned alive for rejecting the cult Arson Arson It was no happy accident No Arson Arson Jesus Christ accelerant Moses Exodus Lead us to the promised land The promised land The promised land Or sea Part for us Red and flaming from your hand Arson Arson It was no happy accident Arson Arson Jesus Christ accelerant Yeah Prometheus Weeping Mercury Sleeping   I want to burn Burn Burn it down I want to burn Burn Burn it down I want to burn Burn Burn it down I want to burn Burn Burn it down Arson Arson It was no happy accident Arson Arson Jesus Christ accelerant Arson Arson Arson Arson Arson
8.
04:30
Each little dirty secret 26 days Floating in the stream You hold tight to the nightmares, Let go of the dreams Each little secret In the palm of your hand Ties the memories you blocked Cause they were too extreme You regret a dead withered sycamore tree You regret your cowardice But you didn't flee Conviction kept you grounded, Frozen and numb But you sold out your values, Shuck your beliefs A carefully folded note Said I paid the debts that I owed Thru the leaves left another view Withered in the moat 26 pay cheques Say this is your worth You're queer and you're poor Since the day of your birth Work is not your life And your life is not work Your voice or your art, Who outted you first? Your regrets eat you up now, A slap in the face The monster in your closet, You named it Ruminate It no longer surprises you When loved ones betray Every small pleasure You've given away A carefully folded note Said I paid the debts that I owed Thru the leaves left another view Withered in the moat 26 dreams Of a place you've never been A laughing stranger Welcomes you in Everything's familiar In haunting slo’ mo’ A blurry memory Of sadness and sin Your regression techniques Only leave me cold The past is not coming back, I'm getting old My poverty Was nobody's fault I never quite fit The right mould
9.
There I was, a misanthrope Rejecting open arms And here I am alone and older Regretting all that harm Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces These friends I like to judge Did they fall short of my expectations? Their best was never good enough So I pushed them all away Capricorn mother Oh lucky sin Who's your hero now, old man? You didn't look within Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces These Imperial Times They caught us by surprise We were so busy hoping They didn't tear up the lies Oh These Imperial Times They caught us by surprise We can say we didn't see them Cuz we always turned our eyes Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces
10.
02:02
All your emotions Were hung out to dry On the clothesline A sentimental sky The clouds are looming The storm is coming in Get to shelter Before yr ripped limb from limb This is hell A season of rain I can tell you will Wash it all away
11.
01:22
I've been there I guess A bigot more or less I've been preaching to youth That they're already dead I fool all the masses My confidence passes Take the bag and go My face is bloody red I slept on thin air, mother night Because there was no bed there, why we fightin'? The ground was just a spasm, right? That justified my grace I swam the wiry river, sister My fingers all have slivers, blisters My fraud is a chasm kisser Designed to save face Designed to save face
12.
I dreamt That I was a Beach Boy And we were singing Bar-Barbara Ann But I woke up cold In a silent home A singer without a band I'm an ally I swear I lost all of my hair Worrying til I puked up blood I lay on the floor Waiting for the seizure Thru years of leisure and love My therapist says She shares my values That I can't even define My larynx swells When she says "how are you?" I always reply, "doing fine" Bawling til my guts bled I can't get out of bed I don't even have an excuse I swear that I'm not lying I swear that I'm not crying At this point I lose my breath At this point I'm out of my depth Privilege drenches me Til I'm hot and sweaty And never have to face the truth The lament of a fruit Who's never been bruised At least not where it counts Safe to fight back Mount a counter-attack Attack a counter amount My therapist says I'm intolerant of uncertainty I'm certain she's correct All I can rely upon I lock up and I siphon Til there's no certainty left Bawling til my guts bled All the fears that I dread I just can't justify Halfway adept Halfway to death I just can't close my eyes I swear that I'm not lying I swear that I'm not crying At this point I lose my breath At this point I'm out of my depth Bawling til my guts bled All the things that I said I just want to get by

about

A musical autobiography.

credits

released June 18, 2018

Produced, arranged, and recorded by Jacob Earl.
Written by Jacob Earl, except Arson, written by Jacob Earl & Jesse Dangerously.

Jacob Earl: Lyrics, Vox, Bass, U-Bass, Guitars, Ukuleles, Beats, Synthesizers.
Jesse Dangerously: Lyrics, Vox, Drums, Banjolele, Ukulele, Glockenspiel, Synthesizer.
Adam Selene: Lyrics, Vox.
Robo-Robb: Lyrics, Vox.
Tanya Paulin: Vox.

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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