If The Dust Was Your Feelings, I Guess I Was On My Own

by Jacob Earl

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about

A musical autobiography.

credits

released June 18, 2018

Produced, arranged, and recorded by Jacob Earl.
Written by Jacob Earl, except Arson, written by Jacob Earl & Jesse Dangerously.

Jacob Earl: Lyrics, Vox, Bass, U-Bass, Guitars, Ukuleles, Beats, Synthesizers.
Jesse Dangerously: Lyrics, Vox, Drums, Banjolele, Ukulele, Glockenspiel, Synthesizer.
Adam Selene: Lyrics, Vox.
Robo-Robb: Lyrics, Vox.
Tanya Paulin: Vox.

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all rights reserved

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about

Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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Track Name: Moral Fibre (feat. Adam Selene)
Get down off your high horse
Get down off your high horse

Ain’t a folding a door that closes tight enough
To keep dem bones up off the floor
Boards just aren’t made with nails long enough
To put me up or beat back the source

And there’s a voice that is barely a whisper of sorts
And of course, it is mine and was never yours
With distortion absorbed in the form of a force
That was sure to inform me I had been warned

So I held breaths that weighed like a bag of rocks
In a habitat made to invert the nurture
But my footsteps had left a trail of ink blots
That my shadows had failed to interpret further

And the curves, I have learned, are seldom rainbows
And are far more likely to be made from sabers
So the teeth that I traded for morals to match masses?
A flash in the pan of my war with neighbors

Cause there’s more going on than the quote, unquote
Real men have authority to open throats through
A boulder to roll onto the shoulders of others
Irrelevant to the context of what folks go through

But I know you more than you know your own ways
I’ve thrown on those shoes of yours decades
And it goes through so unopposed on my best days
The rest, I’m dressed in an oppressive embrace

The taste in my mouth is metallic and routine
So I’m inclined to believe the default is busted
And I guess excuse me, if my views are extreme
But when the caged bee stings, I’d call it justice

A lot’s been changing since I cracked the shell, though
And I’m feeling warmed by the sunlight more
Besides ain’t a damn a door that closes tight enough
To keep dem bones up off the floor

Get down off your high horse
Get down off your high horse

Warhol Campbell childhood
Chiseled pistol, shoot; you should
Monster movie, really scared
Played a game of truth or dare

Boat shoes, tallboy, snapback
Best defense is a good attack
Out with the boys feeling bare
Bullies won't get outta your hair

Naked feelings of my guilt
Parallel to the home you built
I can't live up to that dream
The expectation I stay clean

Don't forget my betrayal
Deception was beyond the pale
Covered up with pretty myth
The lie you fell in love with

Better not to think about it
A lot of good that would do
Dust in the wind, dusk inside
Your deepest feelings felt so true

I wrote a little song about
Whether we had our whole life knit
How our fingers twine together
How are love got so lit

The better it gets, the slower I show
Every piece of moral fibre
Examining every piece, I go
Guess we couldn't get much higher

No one comes to the same conclusion
I made a side bet
The moral is a clever illusion
The rules left you soaking wet
Track Name: Boom
Feel it in your bones
Feel it in your chest
Your heart must be bursting
You must be blessed

Rickety fingers
Holding on for dear life
So many treasures
I cannot guess

Boom boom goes the cannon
Boom boom go the bombs
Boom boom goes the kick
In your favourite songs

I am a bullhorn
Squeaking distortion
I am a loudspeaker
Blown away subs

It hides my interior
The creature within
Treat me with caution
Treat me with love

Boom boom goes the cannon
Boom boom go the bombs
Boom boom goes the kick
In your favourite songs
Track Name: Loner
Go
Give it to me

I've played this one before
It never turns out well
In all the times of jest
Found meaning in the meaningless

Tell me why
Didn't you show?
I felt
So alone

A cauterized wound or two
A thin-lipped smile
Is this how we survive?
Just hides a deeper wound

Tell me why
Didn't you show?
I felt
So alone
Track Name: Hygiene
A forty-year dirge, baby
A forty-year dirge
It’s a forty-year dirge
A forty-year dirge
It’s a forty-year dirge

Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
It's taught and reinforced
It's taught and reinforced
Ooh ooh, basic hygiene

My compliments to the chef
We may need a referee
Cause I've been poisoned, I've been poisoned
Poisoned by a sharper philosophy

A slow death, a forty-year dirge
The saddest lament you ever heard
My compliments to the captain
Who sailed off the earth

Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
It's taught, it's reinforced

I grew up, I grew up dirty
And too smart for my own good
I play in the garden; I play in club
The pulse of the blood, the grain of the wood

Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
Ooh ooh, basic hygiene
It's taught, it's reinforced
Track Name: I Was Good (feat. Tanya Paulin)
If the dust was your feelings,
If the dust was your feelings,
I guess I was on my own
I guess I was on my own

I was good, I was good
At weaving a story
The pieces fit into place
I did it all alone

When the words stopped
When the words stopped working
Dropping off the island
I made my own home

I was good, I was good
I thought I was good at something
I made a garden in the night sky
When the weed stopped growing

Withered hand enantiomers
Crumbled stone
If the dust was your feelings,
I guess I was on my own

I was a poor, I was a poor excuse
For good intentions, rage, and abuse
Distractions disintegrated
I was a good friend
I was a good friend to lose

I was good, I was good
At being a true lover
If only that were true
I was good at making excuses
For all the shit I put you through
Yes

I was good at feeling high
At feeling left behind
I worked it into my mythos
Perpetual loss; I wrote it a million times
Yes

I was poor, I was a poor excuse
For good intentions, rage and abuse
Distractions disintegrated
I was a good friend
I was a good friend to lose

I was good, I was good
At weaving a story
The pieces fit into place
I did it all alone

When the words stopped
When the words stopped working
Dropping off the island
I made my own home

I was good, I was good
I thought I was good at something
I made a garden in the night sky
When the weed stopped growing

Withered hand enantiomers
Crumbled stone
If the dust was your feelings,
I guess I was on my own

Withered hand enantiomers
Crumbled stone
If the dust was your feelings,
I guess I was on my own
Track Name: Shuffled (feat. Robo-Robb & Jesse Dangerously)
Alright…
Model number: SLB10P, we want you to choose between option A and option B.
If you select too slowly…remove reward unit.
Make the wrong choice…well I trust you
won’t do it.

I set out, reroute down limited pathways.
Feeling put out and crushed.
Unlimited ashtrays on hightops in dive spots
before they outlawed smoking.
Stale air and old beer feeling soft spots in
cantaloupe and…
Forgot to grab tomatoes I guess I got cans I’ll
open.
Out in the intersection dodging mopeds.
When I reached the next corner, my crew
changed our meeting.
Moved from the same old spot now these
thoughts are fleeting.
I had one job but my memory failed me.
Stopped making excuses for my humanity
and frailty.

They’re waiting on me…
But this feels important so I rehearse and
refine, train my comportment.
Adjust my clothing, take a long hard look in
the mirror
chilling in the crown jewel similar to
Canberra.
I get overwhelmed with this ill assortment…
how about you tell me what it is if it’s that important.

Well you might think this choice is nice.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.
And you might think variety’s the spice of
life.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.

It’s like a claw machine that neo-circus music
at the thruway rest stop minus amusement
that toy story scene let my man Buzz do it
in here with the Martians decisions become
congruent.

Out here with the multitudes.
Aggressive type As.
Don’t put too much on my back…
I might break.
I might bake.
Let my afternoon waste…
I’m conserving energy selecting alternatives
might take.
I’m thee highest.
Please highness, these riddles are bullshit.
Allow me to be honest.
Infinity is the number of possible outcomes.
But here in my brain…
improbable amalgam of hideous creations
from Doctor Moreau’s Island.
This would be just fine if it wasn’t all the
time and…
I put too much into all the rhyming…
that I neglect important things that I should
be doing.

I should be shining.
Instead I’m pursing a fairly mundane
existence with debt accruing.
Sometimes it feels out of my control…
and then I feel ruined until I’m consoled.
I step back.
Let the rapids carry.
To the terminus and galaxy’s boundary.
These fluids will…
will have me ruined still…
and give into its wishes along the Potenskill.

Well you might think this choice is nice.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.
And you might think variety’s the spice of
life.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.

High price; top dollar.
Moonlight sonata for a midnight caller.
Back to basics; call of the wild
There I was: A grownup child.

Ranting, wanting anything but
To contribute to the harm of my love.
Paid such a lofty price;
Other souls have lost their life.

Rage and karma boiling over;
Condensation covers the walls.
Fuck the p, I shuffled in here
Scuffed pride, scrambled eggshells.

I tiptoed over 'em every time you were near.
I never pretended to be a saint
Or put your needs ahead o' my own.
Altruism is a better man's feint.

Well you might think this choice is nice.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.
And you might think variety’s the spice of
life.
Well I don’t.
No I don’t.
Track Name: Arson (feat. Jesse Dangerously)
Arson
Arson
It was no happy accident
Arson
Arson
Jesus Christ accelerant

Apostate
Town crier
Inspired
By everything we lost in the fire

Turn back
And turn to salt
Burned alive for rejecting the cult

Arson
Arson
It was no happy accident
No
Arson
Arson
Jesus Christ accelerant

Moses
Exodus
Lead us to the promised land
The promised land
The promised land

Or sea
Part for us
Red and flaming from your hand

Arson
Arson
It was no happy accident
Arson
Arson
Jesus Christ accelerant
Yeah

Prometheus
Weeping
Mercury
Sleeping

I want to burn
Burn
Burn it down
I want to burn
Burn
Burn it down

I want to burn
Burn
Burn it down
I want to burn
Burn
Burn it down

Arson
Arson
It was no happy accident
Arson
Arson
Jesus Christ accelerant

Arson
Arson
Arson
Arson
Arson
Track Name: Debts
Each little dirty secret

26 days
Floating in the stream
You hold tight to the nightmares,
Let go of the dreams
Each little secret
In the palm of your hand
Ties the memories you blocked
Cause they were too extreme

You regret a dead withered sycamore tree
You regret your cowardice
But you didn't flee
Conviction kept you grounded,
Frozen and numb
But you sold out your values,
Shuck your beliefs

A carefully folded note
Said I paid the debts that I owed
Thru the leaves left another view
Withered in the moat


26 pay cheques
Say this is your worth
You're queer and you're poor
Since the day of your birth
Work is not your life
And your life is not work
Your voice or your art,
Who outted you first?

Your regrets eat you up now,
A slap in the face
The monster in your closet,
You named it Ruminate
It no longer surprises you
When loved ones betray
Every small pleasure
You've given away

A carefully folded note
Said I paid the debts that I owed
Thru the leaves left another view
Withered in the moat

26 dreams
Of a place you've never been
A laughing stranger
Welcomes you in
Everything's familiar
In haunting slo’ mo’
A blurry memory
Of sadness and sin

Your regression techniques
Only leave me cold
The past is not coming back,
I'm getting old
My poverty
Was nobody's fault
I never quite fit
The right mould
Track Name: These Imperial Times (feat. Tanya Paulin)
There I was, a misanthrope
Rejecting open arms
And here I am alone and older
Regretting all that harm

Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces
Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces

These friends I like to judge
Did they fall short of my expectations?
Their best was never good enough
So I pushed them all away

Capricorn mother
Oh lucky sin
Who's your hero now, old man?
You didn't look within

Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces
Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces

These Imperial Times
They caught us by surprise
We were so busy hoping
They didn't tear up the lies

Oh These Imperial Times
They caught us by surprise
We can say we didn't see them
Cuz we always turned our eyes

Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces
Oh horses
Yr messing with these forces
Track Name: Clothesline
All your emotions
Were hung out to dry
On the clothesline
A sentimental sky

The clouds are looming
The storm is coming in
Get to shelter
Before yr ripped limb from limb

This is hell
A season of rain
I can tell you will
Wash it all away
Track Name: Slivers
I've been there I guess
A bigot more or less
I've been preaching to youth
That they're already dead

I fool all the masses
My confidence passes
Take the bag and go
My face is bloody red

I slept on thin air, mother night
Because there was no bed there, why we fightin'?
The ground was just a spasm, right?
That justified my grace

I swam the wiry river, sister
My fingers all have slivers, blisters
My fraud is a chasm kisser
Designed to save face
Designed to save face
Track Name: Bawling Til My Guts Bled
I dreamt
That I was a Beach Boy
And we were singing
Bar-Barbara Ann

But I woke up cold
In a silent home
A singer without a band

I'm an ally I swear
I lost all of my hair
Worrying til I puked up blood

I lay on the floor
Waiting for the seizure
Thru years of leisure and love

My therapist says
She shares my values
That I can't even define

My larynx swells
When she says "how are you?"
I always reply, "doing fine"

Bawling til my guts bled
I can't get out of bed
I don't even have an excuse

I swear that I'm not lying
I swear that I'm not crying
At this point I lose my breath
At this point I'm out of my depth

Privilege drenches me
Til I'm hot and sweaty
And never have to face the truth

The lament of a fruit
Who's never been bruised
At least not where it counts

Safe to fight back
Mount a counter-attack
Attack a counter amount

My therapist says
I'm intolerant of uncertainty
I'm certain she's correct

All I can rely upon
I lock up and I siphon
Til there's no certainty left

Bawling til my guts bled
All the fears that I dread
I just can't justify

Halfway adept
Halfway to death
I just can't close my eyes

I swear that I'm not lying
I swear that I'm not crying
At this point I lose my breath
At this point I'm out of my depth

Bawling til my guts bled
All the things that I said
I just want to get by

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