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Choke

from Horizontals by Jacob Earl

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about

choke off the supply. my air supply is dwindling. i'm starting to fade away; i don't feel real anymore. i tried holding my breath until i died. but i couldn't do it. i passed out and started breathing again. the body just refuses to give up. it seems so funny... oxygen kills me a little more every day, rusting me from the inside out, yet my body won't let me stop taking it in. if ever there was a proof of god (which there isn't), this sick joke would be it.

i don't want to die. ever. i am so scared of that CEASING-TO-BE. i will simply blink out of existence. and it will come suddenly. i won't have the time for all the important moments; telling everyone i love or hate them. or both. i obsessively document it here, there, everywhere... because one day it will be all that is left of me. and eventually the bits and bytes will degrade to dust, and i will be nothing. i will not be.

i will waste no more time on regrets and unrequited emotions. this is me moving on.

lyrics

oh how i choke
oh how i choke
i choke on my words

i get choked up, my heart it pounds
a sorry state about the art of sounds
but puffed on pride in your own hometown
you lost everything that you found

it’s not that the opposite wasn’t true
it’s not that i didn’t believe in you
it's what you made of yourself, but worse
it’s what you made of me and my trust, first

the place where we used to meet
the lakebed’s all dried up at my feet
and a god’s not gonna bring back the day
before you got up and walked away
now take it away

nah, nah,
you’re not even making sense,
you’re just spinning your wheels
the sounds aren’t even offensive;
they ain’t even real

you just keep spewing garbage,
hate and lies
the saddest part
is how little i’m surprised

as you paint yourself
the victim here
no one’s believing
your crocodile tears

go on, keep trying
get enthused
keep spewing your lies,
it’s keeping me amused...

it’s a shame when I was hurtin’ the most
that you were too busy flirtin’ with ghosts
you were haunting the past, and fading fast
and dreaming of heading out to the coast

and it’s a joke that the pieces don’t even fit
i eat the fruits of my labour, but choke on the pit
remember all the way back to the start?
when we used to share a heart...

now i’m left with a lump in my throat
it’s hard to breathe when i read what you wrote
i held you back, you said in your note
"you held me back"; yes you can quote me, that’s a fucking quote.

oh how i choke
oh how i choke
i choke on my words

it’s a contest 'tween you and i
c’mon look me in the eye
if this moment were to pass you by
you’d regret it before you die

i’m not the one who’s holding you back
but maybe that’s why you’re on the attack
don’t think i’ll take the blame
but i loved you all the same
goodbye...

i choke on my words
goodbye

credits

from Horizontals, track released September 30, 2010

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Jacob Earl Mississippi Mills, Ontario

No Gender. Queer Songs.

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