I Don't Remember

from Reincarnations by Jacob Earl

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about

i lost track of time somehow, after the thaw. i may have been asleep. i may have lay in the earth, or in space, sleeping away the years.

ladies and gentlemen, a rip-van-winkle knows no tears.

or i may have been searching for you.

i don’t remember.

many millenia passed, and it got so i almost forgot about you completely. i thought it must have all been a dream. i convinced myself that you were something i made up, to cure my insanity. i could not admit that i was alone all that time; ergo, if you existed, surely i was not alone. this revelation was a good thing, i told myself. if i now realized the TRUTH of the matter, i could safely go about life knowing that i was now steadily on the path to being cured of my mental illness. or maybe i just accepted it and moved on.

i don’t remember.

i cannot keep functioning this way. i have restarted too many times. i have reset the reel once too often, and now it plays slow and garbled, and your voice no longer sounds like you.

i don’t remember what you really sound like.

i don’t remember who we were together.

mayhaps we were mastadons, trekking the tundra ’til we could find our final solitude. maybe that’s how we survived; with coats so thick that even our feelings could not penetrate.

i don’t remember.

i wish i did. it is a big empty space where that memory should be. a silhouette in my mind, in the shape of your profile, like a cut-out paper doll. or maybe it isn’t really you at all; you are not here to tell me one way or the other.

i don’t remember.

when the fog of memory finally cleared, the world was a very different place.

that, i remember.

credits

from Reincarnations, released October 2, 2017

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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