Both The Beginning And The End

by Jacob Earl

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1.
you and i, we used to click like a light and if i ever believed in a thing called a soul and that two of these things could together fill a hole you certainly would have fit that mold just right now we have lost contact from all the notions we held dear and broken every unspoken contract written in our tears thrown away all our emotions but for the fear we won’t ever recover from what we have lost we refuse to even acknowledge the true cost this asphalt used to be green it stings my shins and scrapes my knees and shreds my jeans this ravine where i loved you used to be so clean we have lost contact with the truth in favour of a cheaper substitute i have loved every crease of your skin your dirty nails your quivering chin like a faded memory of silence we once thought of as sin this anger has now carved me out inside the asphalt meeting my feet is the only contact that i don’t hide anymore we won’t ever recover from what we have lost we refuse to even acknowledge the true cost
2.
on the anniversary of your death nothing much remarkable happened to me i felt no immortal breath no whisper of your presence, no sudden spirituality too many years to count have passed me by clear-cutting the memories like a bad disease i stopped resisting it and i don’t know why now i just do whatever i please... had we met in another life maybe the cliché simply wouldn’t apply had we met before the dying age maybe we would still be on the same page on the anniversary of the day we met nothing much happened that i want to talk about i’m not gonna bore you by listing my regrets one more crappy list that’s too long to count i missed you horribly, and couldn’t wait to tell you all about my dreams i momentarily forgot, in the thick of it all, that you were no longer here with me am i the only one who sees the irony here? i should be the missing one i’m the one with the fear had we met in another life i’d admit that you were right right about everything it wasn’t even worth the fight
3.
03:36
Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Some would say you are a mother to me A sounding board and a shoulder to cry on Some would say you are my sister lovely Shall I protect you from peril and pain? I never had a mother or sister I didn't know there was something missing I still don't want a definition for you Make you role-play, I have nothing to gain Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know All these riches that my father left me Eve, I am still so hungry and poor All these filthy believers surround me I have no faith to give anymore Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Bring me back to you, I want to love again give me a chance to make things new I helped destroy the old world, old fears I'd like to try to create something too Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know Eve I love you, I have loved you forever Eve I love you, you don't even know
4.
03:45
Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love I don't wanna do this Art anymore I just take it and ruin it Trying to keep score In desperation Filling the hole It's empty sensations For an empty soul I don't want to feel it Rap about my pain No mystery to this shit And nothing more to gain Old people know What I hope to behold Whether I get to go on And reach my goals Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? I didn't want to make it Have this career It's all my effort not to quit Loathing rolled in fear I put on a sweater I put on a mask Life doesn't get better Just a string of tasks I don't want to be me Stuck in this skin It leaves a mark, you see Like a secret sin Stuck in a body I didn't choose pain No apologies Every body the same Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Shiver me timbre A bit overused A loose cannon On a short fuse A throbbing pulse In my ears The tinnitus of silence For the rabbit fears Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending? Hello mate Meet me at the ending Hello love Am I trending?
5.
03:06
Warhol Campbell childhood Chiseled pistol, shoot; you should Monster movie, really scared Played a game of truth or dare Boat shoes, tallboy, snapback Best defense is a good attack Out with the boys feeling bare Bullies won't get outta your hair Naked feelings of my guilt Parallel to the home you built I can't live up to that dream The expectation I stay clean Don't forget my betrayal Deception was beyond the pale Covered up with pretty myth The lie you fell in love with Better not to think about it A lot of good that would do Dust in the wind, dusk inside Your deepest feelings felt so true I wrote a little song about Whether we had our whole life knit How our fingers twine together How are love got so lit The better it gets, the slower I show Every piece of moral fibre Examining every piece, I go I guess we couldn't get much higher No one comes to the same conclusion I made a side bet The moral is a clever illusion The rules left you soaking wet
6.
seasons followed one another we always swallowed one another no matter how big the lie I’m doing dishes for your mother I’m moving furniture for your father no matter how hard i try i couldn't sew the tear together if i wanted to even in the moments of disorder, i still wanted you... I did standing at the bottom we were all tightly knit together bit by bit you all disappeared from the picture reason came to replace passion and you got obsessed with the fashion and colour turned to black & white you're out of focus & receding and this film is proceeding with or without the dialogue i write i couldn't put the moments in order if i wanted to it's not a question of whether i wanted to... cuz I did standing at the bottom we were all tightly knit together bit by bit you all disappeared from the picture
7.
There I was, a misanthrope Rejecting open arms And here I am alone and older Regretting all that harm Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces These friends I like to judge Did they fall short of my expectations? Their best was never good enough So I pushed them all away Capricorn mother Oh lucky sin Who's your hero now, old man? You didn't look within Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces These Imperial Times They caught us by surprise We were so busy hoping They didn't tear up the lies Oh These Imperial Times They caught us by surprise We can say we didn't see them Cuz we always turned our eyes Oh horses Yr messing with these forces Oh horses Yr messing with these forces
8.
05:43
no i didn't say that you put those words right in my mouth and then ripped them out again waved them around for all to see... you say "i didn't start this" i say "i didn't start this" it seems nobody started this it just welled up it just welled up... from somewhere inside we walked out early the party still went on the lights left tracers on the highway until dawn you say "i didn't start this" i say "i didn't start this" it seems nobody started this it just welled up it just welled up... from somewhere inside from somewhere inside hush... Ok the eyes are taking over read between the lines i try to find your face in the dark we're doing fine, we're doing fine you say "i didn't start this" i say "i didn't start this" it seems nobody started this it just welled up it just welled up... from somewhere inside on my stereo disco mixer the sounds come out all wrong interpreted for a reason sounds make me feel strong you're feeling strong we can't go on for long...
9.
this just in: twenty more dead from the suicide bomb inside of your head the sensational story the moment you dread when the truth is not muzzled for the masses, spoon-fed and Hollywood turns the late-breaking news into academy-winners with four-star reviews and we can just turn off the pain if we choose and nobody calls us the killers she tries to sleep with shrapnel in her bed and the barrel of a rifle pointed at her kid you and I are prisoners of a much lesser pain we just watch it on TV a world away and Hollywood turns the late-breaking news into academy-winners with four-star reviews and we can just turn off the pain if we choose and nobody calls us the killers
10.
03:13
If you go to sleep tonight And you wake up tomorrow You may find yourself to be a stranger If you don't hold on to your life And cherish every detail You just may find someone else taking over Trader I have to win it back And I don't even know how Trader get it back on track I won't suffer from what I know now If you go to sleep tonight And you wake up tomorrow You may find yourself to be a stranger If you don't hold on to life Love every detail Someone else'll just take it over Trader I have to win it back And I don't even know how Trader get it back on track I won't suffer from what I know now

about

Both The Beginning And The End is an anthology of songs spanning almost 20 years of albums. It is 10 brand new, acoustic renditions of songs from Jacob Earl's catalogue. The entire album was performed and recorded with one acoustic guitar and vocals.

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released May 5, 2020

Produced, written, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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