I Disappear In The City

by Jacob Earl

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1.
I get dark fast in the winter I'm just one day at a time Just one cold hint of a whisper A breath on your eyes You blink to remember But you drink to forget It's been years since you've been better And you know your regrets Not a chance for some pity I'm sitting in wait I disappear in the city When the hour gets late I grow better at masking When I practice the act I pretend I'm not asking You and I made a pact Hold up, hold up You kept on fighting at least Inside you're colder, colder When you slip inside Slip inside the beast I get dark fast when I sink Like a bottomless pit Like, I can't even think I disappear just a bit The seams come apart Like bad architecture This city's full of dark art I drew you this picture I'm a clever fraud I hide in plain sight You would never applaud But you knew I was right There's a beauty to fading Away from the crowds You were just waiting For the man I am now Hold up, hold up You kept on fighting at least Inside you're colder, colder When you slip inside Slip inside the beast I disappear in the city I called it my home The wet concrete beats me I hate being alone I disappear in the crowd This place will eat you up If you just came home now God, it would be enough I disappear in the city I faded with age I crumbled inside when you left I exit the stage The spotlight dims The curtain fell The city disappeared This place is Hell Hold up, hold up You kept on fighting at least Inside you're colder, colder When you slip inside Slip inside the beast I disappear in the city I disappear from your life I dissolved with sunlight I disappear in the night Two fences and a railroad Are we enemies or friends? Separate our love, foe Is this the end?
2.
Tendr 04:20
Slipping off to sleep Your tender skin, your soft breath sound So much the same and so much change Ten years since we found A chat exchange, commonplace But then you stuck around I didn't know your motives then But we were somehow bound Wake up, wake up, Minerva I have dreamt a brand new scene Your wisdom and your warfare Have been the heart of my being I know I take and take and take And have no offering But I have planned a grand finale Somewhere in-between Laying on the lawn Your tender whispers in my ear A story, glory, filled with heroes Helping us hide our fear Did I ever tell you, lover, I always want you near? Did I hold you close enough to keep you safe my dear? Henceforth if we leave this city I am good to go Nothing more keeps me here A death kind and slow The tenderness of poison Sweet enough to ease the blow I always saw the seams split apart But I didn't want to know Wash away the yesteryears There's no regret in these tears Wash away the yesteryears There's no regret in these tears No health in a hospital With guns and riot gear Can you cure a common cold Infection with fear? Disease is not a mindset But it creeps into the mind Tenderness for hindsight Seeking something kind When we let our guard down The truth came out so fast Disarming our hard found Barriers at last I never told another The things I shared with you I never even bothered To think those things through Laying on the lawn Your tender whispers in my ear A story, glory, filled with heroes Helping us hide our fear Did I ever tell you, lover, I always want you near? Did I hold you close enough to keep you safe my dear? Henceforth if we leave this city I am good to go Nothing more keeps me here A death kind and slow The tenderness of poison Sweet enough to ease the blow I always saw the seams split apart But I didn't want to know Wash away the yesteryears There's no regret in these tears Wash away the yesteryears There's no regret in these tears
3.
Blah blah blah You're bored of my flaws Blah blah blah You're bored of my flaws Blah blah blah You're bored of my flaws Blah blah blah You're bored of my flaws I ignored The well-informed For years in favour Of my own bad behaviour I treated wit With pure bullshit I made mistakes Cuz my heart it bloody ached My pain was my saviour I revelled in disdain And I cheated and I faked and Blamed others for the pain This was a habit I never quite broke But it broke me down enough Til I listened when you spoke Learning to call myself in Leaning into the spill I judged your sin I swallowed that pill I explored This well-trod argument before It's my permanent neighbour Depressing bad behaviour The winter made me darker And I pushed myself farther A time-honoured tradition Of breaking inhibitions I smoked dope I learned all the ropes I made you look on While I severed all my bonds It's a never-ending cycle I could never fight it though I shut down all sensation To avoid confrontation Learning to call myself in Leaning into the spill I judged your sin I swallowed that pill A piss-poor attempt At keeping myself kempt I ended in disaster That you picked up after I repeated mistakes Just for habitual sakes For the feeling it gives me To feel used and flimsy A ghost in a suit Mostly not taking root Cuz it's clever to drift And too much effort to lift But I finally changed Maybe too little too late You gave me reason To stop self-deceiving Learning to call myself in Leaning into the spill I judged your sin I swallowed that pill Blah blah blahs You're bored of my flaws They long-since outweighed The good points that I made I cleaned up my act But I still lacked The common sense To get off the fence The indecision Nothing came to fruition Cuz I waffled too long While it all went wrong I ignored The well-informed For years in favour Of my own bad behaviour Learning to call myself in Leaning into the spill I judged your sin I swallowed that pill
4.
Do you want to save me? I'm not sure how I improved myself With a lot of self-help shlock I read the internet Til ten o'clock I stayed up late To procrastinate When I close my eyes I start dreading my fate My dreams are a twisted Version of my youth I relive my regrets And don't learn any truth Vividly passing through Versions of my Id I come to resent you And everything I did I changed my name To escape my own soul But my brain is still the same It just gapes like a hole There is no pill That fixes this void I just fill it with the the will Of the pricks I avoid Do you want To save me now? Maybe you can't I gave you no how Do you want To save me now? Maybe you can't I gave you no how I waffled my goals And coasted on my laurels Baffled the trolls By being my own horror Sour grapes For my own fruits and labours A powerful escape From my own behaviours My teacher once professed I'd make an excellent dad Well I taught her a lesson The vasectomy I had I dropped out of Uni Couldn't stand the critique I stopped feeling puny But I couldn't plug the leak Do you want To save me now? Maybe you can't I gave you no how Do you want To save me now? Maybe you can't I gave you no how
5.
On My Knees 02:53
I scraped up my knees Begging you please Don't give up the fight Kneeling in prayer You're a god who wouldn't dare Show me the light My childhood was grim I still have to stim To curb all the stress I played a good face You wouldn't guess the ways I'm always a mess I'm down on my knees Full of disease The kind that's all in my head Sink or swim The lights go dim I'm already halfway dead You're a light in the dark A walk in the park When I hate myself It happens so much I long for your touch I put our love on a shelf I hate being at fault I'm such a dolt But for losing your trust This mea culpa I'll take a deep gulp Do what you must I scraped up my knees Begging you please Don't give up the fight Kneeling in prayer You're a god who wouldn't dare Show me the light
6.
We're all suffering for our art We're all suffering for our art On long road trips We listen to podcasts Laughing the landscapes Makes the miles go by Life's long suffering Is softened by companionship Stuck in this traffic Is ok with love We wanted to move away Start something fresh It wasn't in the cards We're just so in debt How do you even do it? Can you ever Houdini? Without losing face Without facing death? Life is the long suffering Only the dirty don't pay We suffer for pleasure We suffer to give it away Life is the long suffering Only the dirty don't pay We suffer for pleasure We suffer to give We all get death anyway I gave away all of my keepsakes All my books and toys They tied me to my memories But I can't take 'em when I go Why do we collect things anyway? Does it ease the pain? Does it give us meaning Or hope that we can stay? I gave away all my stories Told them all for free Hoping someone else would value The songs of you and me Mostly they sit in the aether Collecting digital dust A copy of my suffering Just bits and bytes of lust Life is the long suffering Only the dirty don't pay We suffer for pleasure We suffer to give it away Life is the long suffering Only the dirty don't pay We suffer for pleasure We suffer to give We all get death anyway
7.
My name is Jacob Sometimes I wear makeup I'm quite a bit queer my dear But I'm not here to fake it I got a wife name Margaret My life, she's a great part of it My best friend til the end She's why I put my heart in it I'm not jaded yet Turn up the fader, yeah It's time to get a little gayer, yeah As I get a little bit greyer yet Celebrate your truth You only get one youth My name is Jacob Hey it's time to wake up The world is fucked my boys Yes, you done fucked up Time to listen to women Time to embrace your feminine Feelings are a joy, my boys We need to put the work in Celebrate your truth You only get one youth Celebrate the truth You only get one youth My name is Jacob Hey it's time to wake up
8.
I came to find you You were already gone I'm now satisfied I was wrong The pain was too much (to bear) (Too much too much too much) To bear I don't blame you For not wanting me there Stuck in neutral Ground I lost everything I found In the city I disappear Rain on my shoulders You're drawing near Caught in the headlights Caught in the headlines Maybe you hold me Maybe I'm fine Stuck in neutral Ground I lost everything I found Stuck in neutral Ground I lost everything I found

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I Disappear In The City is a concept album about the antithesis of fame and fortune. It is about quietly slipping into anonymity and blending into the urban soundscape. Written and recorded between October 2018 - January 2019.

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released March 22, 2019

Produced, written, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

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Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

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