I Disappear In The City

by Jacob Earl

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

1.
2.
04:20
3.
4.
5.
02:53
6.
7.
8.

about

I Disappear In The City is a concept album about the antithesis of fame and fortune. It is about quietly slipping into anonymity and blending into the urban soundscape. Written and recorded between October 2018 - January 2019.

credits

released March 22, 2019

Produced, written, recorded, and performed by Jacob Earl.

license

tags

about

Jacob Earl Ottawa, Ontario

Independent DIY queer producer/songwriter/photog.

contact / help

Contact Jacob Earl

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Track Name: I Disappear In The City
I get dark fast in the winter
I'm just one day at a time
Just one cold hint of a whisper
A breath on your eyes
You blink to remember
But you drink to forget
It's been years since you've been better
And you know your regrets

Not a chance for some pity
I'm sitting in wait
I disappear in the city
When the hour gets late
I grow better at masking
When I practice the act
I pretend I'm not asking
You and I made a pact

Hold up, hold up
You kept on fighting at least
Inside you're colder, colder
When you slip inside
Slip inside the beast

I get dark fast when I sink
Like a bottomless pit
Like, I can't even think
I disappear just a bit
The seams come apart
Like bad architecture
This city's full of dark art
I drew you this picture

I'm a clever fraud
I hide in plain sight
You would never applaud
But you knew I was right
There's a beauty to fading
Away from the crowds
You were just waiting
For the man I am now

Hold up, hold up
You kept on fighting at least
Inside you're colder, colder
When you slip inside
Slip inside the beast

I disappear in the city
I called it my home
The wet concrete beats me
I hate being alone
I disappear in the crowd
This place will eat you up
If you just came home now
God, it would be enough

I disappear in the city
I faded with age
I crumbled inside when you left
I exit the stage
The spotlight dims
The curtain fell
The city disappeared
This place is Hell

Hold up, hold up
You kept on fighting at least
Inside you're colder, colder
When you slip inside
Slip inside the beast

I disappear in the city
I disappear from your life
I dissolved with sunlight
I disappear in the night
Two fences and a railroad
Are we enemies or friends?
Separate our love, foe
Is this the end?
Track Name: Tendr
Slipping off to sleep
Your tender skin, your soft breath sound
So much the same and so much change
Ten years since we found
A chat exchange, commonplace
But then you stuck around
I didn't know your motives then
But we were somehow bound

Wake up, wake up, Minerva
I have dreamt a brand new scene
Your wisdom and your warfare
Have been the heart of my being
I know I take and take and take
And have no offering
But I have planned a grand finale
Somewhere in-between

Laying on the lawn
Your tender whispers in my ear
A story, glory, filled with heroes
Helping us hide our fear
Did I ever tell you, lover, I always want you near?
Did I hold you close enough to keep you safe my dear?

Henceforth if we leave this city
I am good to go
Nothing more keeps me here
A death kind and slow
The tenderness of poison
Sweet enough to ease the blow
I always saw the seams split apart
But I didn't want to know

Wash away the yesteryears
There's no regret in these tears
Wash away the yesteryears
There's no regret in these tears

No health in a hospital
With guns and riot gear
Can you cure a common cold
Infection with fear?
Disease is not a mindset
But it creeps into the mind
Tenderness for hindsight
Seeking something kind

When we let our guard down
The truth came out so fast
Disarming our hard found
Barriers at last
I never told another
The things I shared with you
I never even bothered
To think those things through

Laying on the lawn
Your tender whispers in my ear
A story, glory, filled with heroes
Helping us hide our fear
Did I ever tell you, lover, I always want you near?
Did I hold you close enough to keep you safe my dear?

Henceforth if we leave this city
I am good to go
Nothing more keeps me here
A death kind and slow
The tenderness of poison
Sweet enough to ease the blow
I always saw the seams split apart
But I didn't want to know

Wash away the yesteryears
There's no regret in these tears
Wash away the yesteryears
There's no regret in these tears
Track Name: Bad Behaviour
Blah blah blah
You're bored of my flaws
Blah blah blah
You're bored of my flaws
Blah blah blah
You're bored of my flaws
Blah blah blah
You're bored of my flaws

I ignored
The well-informed
For years in favour
Of my own bad behaviour

I treated wit
With pure bullshit
I made mistakes
Cuz my heart it bloody ached

My pain was my saviour
I revelled in disdain
And I cheated and I faked and
Blamed others for the pain

This was a habit
I never quite broke
But it broke me down enough
Til I listened when you spoke

Learning to call myself in
Leaning into the spill
I judged your sin
I swallowed that pill

I explored
This well-trod argument before
It's my permanent neighbour
Depressing bad behaviour

The winter made me darker
And I pushed myself farther
A time-honoured tradition
Of breaking inhibitions

I smoked dope
I learned all the ropes
I made you look on
While I severed all my bonds

It's a never-ending cycle
I could never fight it though
I shut down all sensation
To avoid confrontation

Learning to call myself in
Leaning into the spill
I judged your sin
I swallowed that pill

A piss-poor attempt
At keeping myself kempt
I ended in disaster
That you picked up after

I repeated mistakes
Just for habitual sakes
For the feeling it gives me
To feel used and flimsy

A ghost in a suit
Mostly not taking root
Cuz it's clever to drift
And too much effort to lift

But I finally changed
Maybe too little too late
You gave me reason
To stop self-deceiving

Learning to call myself in
Leaning into the spill
I judged your sin
I swallowed that pill

Blah blah blahs
You're bored of my flaws
They long-since outweighed
The good points that I made

I cleaned up my act
But I still lacked
The common sense
To get off the fence

The indecision
Nothing came to fruition
Cuz I waffled too long
While it all went wrong

I ignored
The well-informed
For years in favour
Of my own bad behaviour

Learning to call myself in
Leaning into the spill
I judged your sin
I swallowed that pill
Track Name: Do You Want To Save Me?
Do you want to save me?
I'm not sure how

I improved myself
With a lot of self-help shlock
I read the internet
Til ten o'clock
I stayed up late
To procrastinate
When I close my eyes
I start dreading my fate

My dreams are a twisted
Version of my youth
I relive my regrets
And don't learn any truth
Vividly passing through
Versions of my Id
I come to resent you
And everything I did

I changed my name
To escape my own soul
But my brain is still the same
It just gapes like a hole
There is no pill
That fixes this void
I just fill it with the the will
Of the pricks I avoid

Do you want
To save me now?
Maybe you can't
I gave you no how
Do you want
To save me now?
Maybe you can't
I gave you no how

I waffled my goals
And coasted on my laurels
Baffled the trolls
By being my own horror
Sour grapes
For my own fruits and labours
A powerful escape
From my own behaviours

My teacher once professed
I'd make an excellent dad
Well I taught her a lesson
The vasectomy I had
I dropped out of Uni
Couldn't stand the critique
I stopped feeling puny
But I couldn't plug the leak

Do you want
To save me now?
Maybe you can't
I gave you no how
Do you want
To save me now?
Maybe you can't
I gave you no how
Track Name: On My Knees
I scraped up my knees
Begging you please
Don't give up the fight

Kneeling in prayer
You're a god who wouldn't dare
Show me the light

My childhood was grim
I still have to stim
To curb all the stress

I played a good face
You wouldn't guess the ways
I'm always a mess

I'm down on my knees
Full of disease
The kind that's all in my head

Sink or swim
The lights go dim
I'm already halfway dead

You're a light in the dark
A walk in the park
When I hate myself

It happens so much
I long for your touch
I put our love on a shelf

I hate being at fault
I'm such a dolt
But for losing your trust

This mea culpa
I'll take a deep gulp
Do what you must

I scraped up my knees
Begging you please
Don't give up the fight

Kneeling in prayer
You're a god who wouldn't dare
Show me the light
Track Name: The Long Suffering
We're all suffering for our art
We're all suffering for our art

On long road trips
We listen to podcasts
Laughing the landscapes
Makes the miles go by
Life's long suffering
Is softened by companionship
Stuck in this traffic
Is ok with love

We wanted to move away
Start something fresh
It wasn't in the cards
We're just so in debt
How do you even do it?
Can you ever Houdini?
Without losing face
Without facing death?

Life is the long suffering
Only the dirty don't pay
We suffer for pleasure
We suffer to give it away

Life is the long suffering
Only the dirty don't pay
We suffer for pleasure
We suffer to give
We all get death anyway

I gave away all of my keepsakes
All my books and toys
They tied me to my memories
But I can't take 'em when I go
Why do we collect things anyway?
Does it ease the pain?
Does it give us meaning
Or hope that we can stay?

I gave away all my stories
Told them all for free
Hoping someone else would value
The songs of you and me
Mostly they sit in the aether
Collecting digital dust
A copy of my suffering
Just bits and bytes of lust

Life is the long suffering
Only the dirty don't pay
We suffer for pleasure
We suffer to give it away

Life is the long suffering
Only the dirty don't pay
We suffer for pleasure
We suffer to give
We all get death anyway
Track Name: I'm Not Jaded
My name is Jacob
Sometimes I wear makeup
I'm quite a bit queer my dear
But I'm not here to fake it

I got a wife name Margaret
My life, she's a great part of it
My best friend til the end
She's why I put my heart in it

I'm not jaded yet
Turn up the fader, yeah
It's time to get a little gayer, yeah
As I get a little bit greyer yet

Celebrate your truth
You only get one youth

My name is Jacob
Hey it's time to wake up
The world is fucked my boys
Yes, you done fucked up

Time to listen to women
Time to embrace your feminine
Feelings are a joy, my boys
We need to put the work in

Celebrate your truth
You only get one youth
Celebrate the truth
You only get one youth

My name is Jacob
Hey it's time to wake up
Track Name: In The City I Disappear
I came to find you
You were already gone
I'm now satisfied
I was wrong
The pain was too much (to bear)
(Too much too much too much)
To bear
I don't blame you
For not wanting me there

Stuck in neutral
Ground
I lost everything
I found

In the city
I disappear
Rain on my shoulders
You're drawing near
Caught in the headlights
Caught in the headlines
Maybe you hold me
Maybe I'm fine

Stuck in neutral
Ground
I lost everything
I found
Stuck in neutral
Ground
I lost everything
I found

If you like Jacob Earl, you may also like: